Consider the following:
I found a yoga class I like, which only costs 12 dollars, and I'm now in good enough shape to be able to do chattaranga (that's what it sounds like - basically, a half-way held pushup which hurts like a beast) for AGES and repeatedly, without dying. So I'm in way better shape than I've been for a long time, which is cause for celebration. And I'm saying no to things that are on Mondays because I like the class and I need to establish routines.
I bought bedding for my room and some new clothes. These are not big steps for anyone else, but they are for me. Adults have nice bedsheets and blankets and pillows, as well as clothes that don't have holes in them. Until yesterday evening, I had neither. After almost three hours in Marshalls', I now have both. (As a complete aside, discount or outlet stores like Marshall's may well be the main reason why American consumers are in such truly insane credit card debt. Everything is sort-of cheap, and the in-store marketing is IN YOUR FACE, but SEDUCTIVE - not entirely unlike some sleazy Mediterranean men I've dallied with in the past - so it's hard to resist, even though you know better. Case in point: the hangers in the women's changing rooms are entitled "definitely" and "possibly". Insidious stuff). As making my bed on a daily basis is part of Operation Adulthood, having the right equipment is key. And being consistently dressed like a street urchin reeks of arrested development. So I'm proud of that effort.
It has taken my supervisor three weeks to get back to me, so I exchanged a couple of emails with her, using my near-miraculous leverage to move my exam-thingy forward a month.
Also, I made dinner out of LEFT OVERS the other day (the fact that I'm really not sure whether that should be one word or two indicates how bloody rare it is that I have them). That is totally the most adult meal ever. It means that you have things in the fridge because you eat at home regularly, that you have a sense of when they're going to expire so you're endorsing the "waste not, want not" ethic, and that you are very, very sensible. (Was it great food? No. But it was fine).
But then... I still have days like today. Where I didn't sleep well. The dogs were annoying. My boss-friend is flipping out over her life (legitimately, but still; it's difficult being both a good, supportive, friend, and someone's slightly disgruntled employee. The two positions are kind of mutually exclusive. And I'm rubbish at navigating them). Dropped my new, pretty purple fleece, bought yesterday. Came back within five minutes and someone had taken it. Gutted, and with lots of angry feelings of "this is why you don't deserve nice things!". Then, I had to spend 700 dollars on a ticket back to London for four days on exactly the dates when I don't want to go - it's for school, and I really don't want to do it. Or spend more than 500 dollars doing so. I meant to do all sort of productive things after work but my brain just sank into a morass and ended up just watching a couple of shows online.
Felt deeply sorry for myself when a poignant song came on in a totally unexpected place - like, the song the guy you're still smitten with but who "can't have a relationship right now" sent you a couple of months ago about wanting to fall in love, but holding out on you SHOULD NOT be in family friendly entertainment. They have warning signs for nudity and violence: Sarah Bareilles' "Gravity" is EXTREME emotional nudity and violence for me. Fuck you, Television. Not OK. Had a little heartbroken cry, then attempted to set up an online dating profile, but realised the only guys I found attractive look like my recent ex. Not ideal. Recognise all the "it's been long enough/you need to get over it/move onwards and upwards young lady/find another guy/best way to get over someone is by getting under someone else" stories I should be telling myself, but am not quite there emotionally. Actually, I'm totally not there emotionally. But I'm trying to be, because I'm more likely to hear the sound of one hand clapping than the guy in question calling me and saying, "Hey, I miss you and I'm sorry things went the way they did, and there's nothing in the world I'm more excited about than you and I spending time together again and having our relationship grow and develop. And I want us to just be around each other and talk and be and discover each other and get bored with the everydayness of everything." Zen Master La Fitz knows at least that some things cannot be achieved through wishing. (Zen Master Fitz also knows that online stalking is the way of darkness, and has never yielded happiness. One day, she will develop complete resistance to this tomfoolery. This would be most helped if social media did not send continuous updates while she is attempting to commune with other friends. Zuckerberg, you're a bitch, and you know it.).
So, basically, a rubbish day. It doesn't undo my good Operation Adulthood work in the last couple of days. But I'm SO IMPATIENT. I want everything to be fine RIGHT NOW. And I mean everything. And I mean Right Now. I guess I need to bear in mind that it has taken me a fair long while to get into the sort of mess I've been in, so part of the OA needs to be mastering some sort of patience.
Which really, to use an aptly childish phrase, sucks.
No comments:
Post a Comment