Work success

The Poodle's owner loves me - sent me a text to say how relaxed he looks after I've been looking after him.

I suppose sexually harassing me did wonders for his peace of mind.

Sounds like Snapping

So one of the problems about Operation Adulthood is that I'm trying to monitor MYSELF, rather than go for external validation. I still think this is sound - especially because I am naturally way too concerned about what other people think about me (I pretend that I'm not. But everyone who knows me knows that... well... I do care. And I'm often cripplingly self-critical). In that sense, keeping tabs on myself, and meeting standards I've set myself totally helps.

But... Because I've let myself get away with so much flakiness for so long, I also tend to have pretty low standards about some things. So: writing? Insanely and ridiculously high standards that disable me. Operation Adulthood stuff? Really, really LOW standards.

The other day, I thought I was doing super well on OA stuff - dealing with conflict at work. Now, I don't DO conflict. It's silly, but I don't. I took a little bit of conflict, and texted my sister for approval.

(Honestly, everything about that is Not Adult - I say something to my friends and bosses, and then I contact someone for APPROVAL? Especially the person I have most of my conflicts with?? Love her, but not the right move, and not the right person).

But what came of it was actually something pretty good. I recounted the situation, and then added "I'm really pleased, because usually, I just pretend everything's fine and that I'm OK for a long time and then I snap, and I know that's not fair." To which she replied "I don't know... Sounds like snapping".

She totally had a point - I was so wrapped up in my own, low, standards of not-dealing with conflict that I didn't see what was actually going on. Which was that, even though I didn't let this situation at work escalate to a complete disaster, I still let it go too far, for how I felt. Plus, what actually sucks is that the PATTERN is the same as the one that has gone towards the need for Operation Adulthood in the first place.

BUT! Onwards and upwards. I need to set those boundaries - and I need to do them without havign to ask for validation. Still, it's good to have people around who keep me honest. Sometimes.

Poodles

Also, as a I write this, a toy poodle puppy is dry humping the bedding I'm meant to be sleeping on. Essentially, my blanket is being violated by an underage, curly haired canine midget.

Great.

Movin' Out

Wow, some of the aspects of sorting out adulthood are... annoying. And sort of difficult to deal with.

I've been house sitting for the last three months, and have only finally found somewhere slightly more permanent to live.

It was great for a while, but recently, the family came back, and allowed me to stay on while I found a new place. (It's really tough to find a place when you are short of cash...). And I'm really grateful in a lot of ways - I WAS really short of money, it's hard to find a place to live, and them letting me stay there has saved me from having to live with friends and out of a suitcase for the last two weeks.

However... Living in someone else's house, especially when they are there, is really rough. And it has re-inforced something I really need to learn as part of Operation Adulthood: that if money is not changing hands, people are unlikely to genuinely value what you do. For the last couple of months, I've been a super responsible housesitter, going above and beyond - dropping off mail at weird places and at a moment's notice, looking after the garden and the plants, not having anyone in the house without clearing it with the owners, making sure I use a minimum of electricity, etc etc etc. But because I didn't negotiate a salary, it's treated as if the family are doing me a favour, rather than an exchange of services.

I'm not doing this again, because it means that you get into situations like the one I was in last night, when I was back at the house to pick up some stuff, and, all of a sudden, I was expected to move my things from the house a day before the date we agreed on last week, which in turn was two weeks ahead of the date they'd told me I was welcome to say. I ended up cleaning up my room, packing up all my stuff and then telling them that I couldn't move until the intended date, because I had already scheduled help for that day.

If they had either a) respected the work I have done for them this summer or b) had me as an actual tenant, none of this would have happened.

So: annoying conflict, insights about people, and reminder of the need for me to demand payment and respect for the things I do.

weeks, I've gone out of my way to behave like a responsible and polite house guest, and I

Saying "No" to Stuff

I'm truly dreadful at saying 'No'. It surprises people, because I'm opinionated and outspoken and, well... loud.

But I'm really bad at telling people that I either don't want to do something, or that it's a massive inconvenience to me, or that I don't have time. Remember "Ella Enchanted", the movie featuring Anne Hathaway (who I can't stand, because she comes across as prissy and entitled), where Ella is under a curse to obey anyone around her? I have more than a whiff of that. The problem is, though, that I end up making a complete dog's dinner out of all the things I commit to when I don't have time to do them. Or it makes me really stressed out. Or I just avoid answering until it's too late. Or... which is the most annoying for people I know and love, and which therefore makes me feel bad about myself, I end up bailing. Often at the last minute. Because I just can' take the stress of being over-committed and rushing, or I've promised to do something I really don't want to do, just to "be nice".

The problem is that I want to be an adult that people can trust and depend on, but I don't want to be a stressed out push over. And that balance is hard.

So I'm working on this aspect of adulthood. My experiments with saying "no" have as of yet not been super successful. I told a friend I couldn't look after her cat for free, using my work as an excuse, and she didn't speak to me for a month. Either this reflects badly on her, or on both of us; my legitimate work concerns aside, I should have also told her that I didn't want to do it. (I don't. She lives far away from me, it's a pain to get there, and I look after pets all day, every day - I don't want to do it without getting paid. I just don't. It's a great extra job, but there's only so much animal hair, feces and pet food one person can be expected to deal with on any given day).

But I'm persevering. I told a friend that I couldn't come to her birthday party on Thursday (which she sent out the invites for that day), because I had other plans and wouldn't be able to make it, but that I could come if she wanted to meet up another day. And it ended up that she was having another drinks party closer to me the next day - sweet! I told another person that whether or not I could buy flowers for his girlfriend's (who I've never met) art opening and hand deliver them to her really would depend on when and where it was, as I work two jobs. (Honestly, it's New York; there are more florists here than anywhere else outside of the tulip fields in Holland. I'm sure you can find one that will deliver. Don't be a jackass).

I'm not great at it, yet - I haven't sent off a friend's jacket that she left at mine, because it will cost me a fortune to fedex it and the regular post office is never open when I'm home, which I should have told her before agreeing to send it- but I'm working on it. Not an adult yet - but at least I've started asking myself "Am I only doing this to avoid conflict?" before I say "yes".

Non-Twenty-Something Weekend

So this is pathetic - it's Saturday. I'd decided to take my first day of doing absolutely nothing all day in a long, long time. I know what this entails - lying in bed, watching bad TV or reading, scrounging for food... maybe having a coffee late in the evening so I have a semblance of being awake when it's time for me to go out and have a few drinks in the evening.

It's not even 5 pm and I'm already bored of this, so I'm going out for a walk. And I have nice food downstairs, so I'm going to have some of that before I go out. I might do some school reading tonight, so I don't have to panic about it tomorrow. I don't know how I feel about all of this, but it's very adult.

Sorting out finances

I just did the most adult thing I have done to date: started researching how I can sort out my student loans (which are in default, because I'm poor and occasionally flaky and often don't deal with problems that freak me out, but let them fester and get much worse). It seems like it will be a scary trip, but I'm on it; and it seems less terrifying than I thought. (Which makes the fact that I've avoided it for oh... I don't know.... SEVEN YEARS a little ridiculous).

Even just looking at that basically exhausted me, but I'm going to give myself an emotional high five, for some crazy ass adulthood goodness!