But I'm really bad at telling people that I either don't want to do something, or that it's a massive inconvenience to me, or that I don't have time. Remember "Ella Enchanted", the movie featuring Anne Hathaway (who I can't stand, because she comes across as prissy and entitled), where Ella is under a curse to obey anyone around her? I have more than a whiff of that. The problem is, though, that I end up making a complete dog's dinner out of all the things I commit to when I don't have time to do them. Or it makes me really stressed out. Or I just avoid answering until it's too late. Or... which is the most annoying for people I know and love, and which therefore makes me feel bad about myself, I end up bailing. Often at the last minute. Because I just can' take the stress of being over-committed and rushing, or I've promised to do something I really don't want to do, just to "be nice".
The problem is that I want to be an adult that people can trust and depend on, but I don't want to be a stressed out push over. And that balance is hard.
So I'm working on this aspect of adulthood. My experiments with saying "no" have as of yet not been super successful. I told a friend I couldn't look after her cat for free, using my work as an excuse, and she didn't speak to me for a month. Either this reflects badly on her, or on both of us; my legitimate work concerns aside, I should have also told her that I didn't want to do it. (I don't. She lives far away from me, it's a pain to get there, and I look after pets all day, every day - I don't want to do it without getting paid. I just don't. It's a great extra job, but there's only so much animal hair, feces and pet food one person can be expected to deal with on any given day).
But I'm persevering. I told a friend that I couldn't come to her birthday party on Thursday (which she sent out the invites for that day), because I had other plans and wouldn't be able to make it, but that I could come if she wanted to meet up another day. And it ended up that she was having another drinks party closer to me the next day - sweet! I told another person that whether or not I could buy flowers for his girlfriend's (who I've never met) art opening and hand deliver them to her really would depend on when and where it was, as I work two jobs. (Honestly, it's New York; there are more florists here than anywhere else outside of the tulip fields in Holland. I'm sure you can find one that will deliver. Don't be a jackass).
I'm not great at it, yet - I haven't sent off a friend's jacket that she left at mine, because it will cost me a fortune to fedex it and the regular post office is never open when I'm home, which I should have told her before agreeing to send it- but I'm working on it. Not an adult yet - but at least I've started asking myself "Am I only doing this to avoid conflict?" before I say "yes".
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